I may have fooled you and for that I am sorry.
I said I would write to inspire you or to encourage love or something noble of that nature. In some daily introspection and open writing time I realized: Sometimes I write because I am the kind of person that needs to vent. It started when I was young. Just read my 1st grade Barbie diary. “My brother is sooooo annoying!” I would write day after day. If you read the high school class notes that were secretly letters to my best friend, you’d know I was thoroughly annoyed by those around me back then.
Almost all personalities are difficult for me to handle for long periods of time. Working in close proximity with others has always been difficult. So sometimes I just glass over and am quiet. I pretend not to hear the social conversations around me. If you want to talk about your daughter or your computer or your dinner next Tuesday night, there are plenty of other people to listen. In a way, I would love to blame my jobs for making me this way. I have always worked in a customer service setting, so maybe I just need to hone all of that social energy for when customers call or come in. Who am I kidding? I was like this when I worked at a factory. I actually got so tired of a man’s talking one day that I put in earplugs.
But man, that makes me sound absolutely awful! I preach loving people and I promote myself as a people person. But am I contradicting myself if I can’t handle being around people for one more second? Perhaps, I prefer to surround myself with the kind of people who energize me rather than those who test my patience and wear me down. It kind of comes back to my need to have harmony. If I do not feed my introvert self and I do not disengage with people who drive me bonkers, then I might just snap. And that’s not what I’m about. I don’t like feeling discord or having confrontation.
Actually I have always done everything I can to avoid conflict. Conflict actually shakes me to my core. Even letting my mind dwell on it for too long is making me a little scattered and uncomfortable. I just want to think happy thoughts. So I look at the little bobble head turtle on my desk. He nods back and forth with bulbous white eyes. He sits there all day minding his own business and just taking in the office happenings around him. Is it passive? Yes. But perhaps to achieve the harmony that I want in this mix of personalities and motives I need to lay low and let the tides rise and fall as they may.